I’m here to tell you the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

If you’re a waiter, you should pick your nose. Here’s why:

1.       It’s fun.

You can’t argue that it’s not fun. If you wanted to argue about it, you’d need a universal definition of what is and isn’t fun, and there’s no way to define that. Some people think professional dog grooming is fun, so there.

2.     It’s human.

If you’ve never done it, I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re a robot without the AI upgrade because every two-year-old in the history of the universe has picked their nose.

The real test is whether you eat it or not. If you don’t eat it, you have great potential in life. If you do, you’re a boy.

3.     It’s satisfying.

Nose picking passes the fun test in a recent poll I took, which included me and at least two other people.

The (very scientific) conclusion of this study? It’s universally satisfying to clear your sinuses by pulling a big booger from your nose.

4.     It’s inclusive.

All people can participate. Race, religion, politics, and handicaps don’t exclude you. There’s only one notable exception.

You have to have working fingers. If you don’t, there’s not much I can do for you. Maybe try asking a friend to do it for you? If you don’t have any friends, you can always join your local competitive nose picking team and ask some brand-new acquaintances to pick your nose for you. I’m sure you’ll get some volunteers.

Not only is it inclusive, but you can engage in competitive nose-picking at different levels of commitment. From the casual nose picker who only participates on weekends, to the serious competitor who practices at home and at work and on Friday night dates, everyone can enjoy the sport.

And if you really want to up your game, use Q-tips like the doctors do for their brain cell samples. They say they’re nose swabs, but we all know what’s actually happening when that nurse walks in holding a flu test.

5.     It’s scientific.

Science has a word for nose-picking: rhinotillexis. If science condones it, everyone should.

6.     It’s sanitary.

Waiters hold food right under their noses. We’d all be better off if waiters cleared those nasal passages with a good old finger before they start marching food to our tables. Do you want your noodles held right beneath some young waiter’s under-picked nose?

One time, I felt something fall from my nose. I looked down and, sure enough, nestled among the grains of rice lay a dried-out booger. That kind of situation leaves you with a choice. Return the food to the kitchen and force the cooks to remake a dish because of a practically invisible piece of snot…or take it to the table anyway.

Maybe the customers won’t be able to taste the difference. Maybe snot actually improves it, like some sort of special seasoning. Maybe they’ll give their compliments to the chef and ask what you seasoned it with.

It’s not like you’ve ever tried the food anyways—it’s much too expensive for you. Because of your cash flow problems, you used to worry about your boss sending you home ten minutes early until you realized at five dollars an hour, that means you’re only losing eighty-three cents. Not a bad trade for ten minutes of your life back.

It’s also sanitary because you don’t do it at the restaurant, of course. Pick your nose in your car, then clock in, and then wash your hands before anything else.

After that, you can serve food, inputting orders on the same screen where you clocked in before washing the boogers from your hands. This screen is touched every time you (or anyone else) inputs an order. Spread the love!

7.     It’s necessary.

Your boss holds one goal over your head in the food industry: perfection.

Any slip ups, and they need to remake food, wasting money. It’s understandable from a business perspective, but the brutal truth is that it sometimes feels like they wish you weren’t human.

But we are human. At the end of the day, waiters can’t do a perfect job and that’s okay. It’s not a big deal.

It’s not a big deal if your boss gets mad at you every once in a while. It’s not a big deal if some jerks won’t tip you because you wouldn’t flirt with them while you handed over plates of hibachi.

It’s not a big deal if you pick your nose while serving food with ungloved hands.

Unconvinced? Try working as a waiter sometime.

Vella Karman

Vella Karman loves God, people, and stories. Her writing has been read in more than forty countries so far and she aspires to write gripping, whimsical stories that keep readers up until three a.m. Find her weekly articles about breaking free from fear by building your faith in Jesus at vellakarman.com or follow @vellakarmanauthor on Instagram or YouTube to connect!