So, your friends are dating. And from some bizarre series of circumstances, it’s usually just the three of you hanging out.
You…and them, the poor unsuspecting couple.
Here’s my impossible to fail three-step process for third-wheeling like a pro:
- Laugh when the guy farts.
Yes, I’ve done this.
So sue me.
He was following her around like a puppy. And since she and I were the ones actually hanging out, he was sitting in the empty hallway, waiting.
He farted. It echoed through the abandoned section of the building.
I made eye contact with my friend.
We burst out in uncontrollable giggles. I didn’t want him to feel bad, so I tried to make a comment that sounded like we might’ve been laughing about a funny-looking cloud out the window.
(I know, I’m on shaky moral ground at this point, since I’m trying to mislead him, but I’ve grown since 9th grade.)
My dad recommends faking fart sounds and blaming it on the guy if needed.
Your friends will love you for this, because it’s a hallmark of established couples that they’re comfortable farting around each other. We’re just speeding up the process. They’re welcome.
- Put yourself in the most awkward place possible.
Sit on their laps if you can.
In Tall Girl, my favorite scene is when Dunkers (the guy who’s had a crush on Jodi since first grade), walks into the room where Jodi and the exchange student living with him are on a sort of date.
He walks through the room a couple times, turns on the blender to make a smoothie, and talks over the movie. Dunkers is the expert at putting himself in the way.
When they finally invite him to watch the movie with them, he plants himself on the couch between them, except there’s not enough space, so he just sits on their laps. Then he wriggles himself onto the cushion.
Do that.
In fact, you should watch Tall Girl and practice the move in advance.
If they’re not sitting, stand uncomfortably close to them. If they’re walking together, burst through the middle, especially if they’re holding hands.
If they lean in for a kiss, lean in too. Then whisper, “What are we doing?”
Everyone could use a good friend by their side in a new and uncomfortable situation. Why do we assume first kisses are excluded?
Be a good friend and lean in for the kiss. They need you.
- Set them up without permission.
And if your friends aren’t dating, they still need you. Did you know there are Christian dating apps?
Create a profile for your friend on a Christian dating app, then agree to go on a date for them. Finally, tell your friend to meet you at the place and time of the date.
Don’t show up. This is important. Normally, I recommend being there for your friends, but it might mess up this process.
If you’re there to explain the whole situation when some random guy (carefully chosen by you) recognizes your friend (from the picture you uploaded) and introduces himself, it might not work.
If they don’t have to sort out the confusion, they won’t bond as well.
And if you don’t have any pictures of just your friend, you might need to upload a selfie of you with your friend. That’ll confuse the guy, so just don’t go.
Your third-wheeling services will be needed later, when they’re actually dating.
Okay! Now you’re ready to be a pro. Go out there, laugh, fart, sit on their laps, and set your friends up without asking permission.
They’ll thank you later.
Note: Vella Karman is not an expert on dating. Talk to a non-comedic professional if you are in need of real help.
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