Every American knows how to drive. Here’s how I know. You bundle down your front porch out in the country and you look out at the road.

What do you see?

People? No.

Trains? Never. No one’s ever seen a train moving. It doesn’t happen.

Farm animals? If you live in Ohio, yes, some of the time. But the predominant road occupant is far and above the automobile.

You know the world got along just fine without autos for just under six thousand years? Yeah, it’s crazy to believe but us driving Americans are a pretty recent development in the evolutionary scheme of things.

And I say, if the world was fine before 1879 when the auto first rolled along, why is it such a big deal to learn to drive?

Every American knows how to drive. Except me and anyone under the age of three.

Why do we all have to drive? I’ve got three good reasons why half of us should boycott driving.

Accidents.

You see if you’re riding a bike and you get in an accident with a car, you die. No big deal. Whatever issues ensue from the accident, you don’t have to deal with ‘em. Yay you.

But if you get in a car-to-car accident, it’s not very likely that you’ll die. So not only will you have to deal with the other person blaming you for whatever-the-heck happened to them, you’ll also have to pay for higher insurance, a new car, and surgery for yourself. It’s just not worth it, guys. Ride a bike and die. So much cheaper.

But—and here’s the flipside—if you ride something like a moped and you get hit, guess what? There’s actually a little money in that, and I’m not talking insurance.

A few months ago, I hopped on my moped and started to zoom home. Then out of nowhere I get barreled down by a little gray car. I fly in the air, my shoes shoot off looking for help, and I roll to a bloody stop on the pavement. And—get this—I wasn’t wearing a helmet. Shockingly, miraculously—some might say disappointingly—I wasn’t dead. Actually, I was barely injured at all.

Even though I did have to deal with the medical bills and police reports, people took pity on my plight and helped me out with money and what-have-you.

Which is the second reason for not driving a car—since you’re more likely to be injured on a smaller mode of transportation, people will take pity upon you and give you money. Money’s good.

Third and finally, you shouldn’t drive because it’s hard.

Come on, bear with me. Back in the day, you sit on the seat and whip the horse and that was driving. A three-year-old can do that. With a car you have to take test after test and even if you do finally manage to get your license you still have to deal with maintenance, snow, and wannabe California drivers.

You know the kind I’m talking about—the drivers who think turn signals are for saps and every color of light means “go.”

And so, in the final analysis of it all, I respectfully request that you give up your pride, your adulthood, your American spirit, and stop driving. The Egyptians didn’t do it—and the Egyptians knew things. Watch any Ancient Aliens documentary and you’ll see.

If you think girls won’t like you for only sporting a scrawny little bike, just wait until they see your impressive calf muscles.

And so, in the actual final analysis of it all, please just stop driving. It’ll make me feel better about myself.

Noah J. Matthews

Noah J. Matthews is a writer and aspiring filmmaker from northern Michigan. He has a passion for helping people identify and pursue their dreams. You can find him at noahjmatthews.com.